I wrote this the other day. You may notice that the title doesn't follow my normal format and that I don't reference specific verses. It's also quite a bit longer than my normal posts. This started out as something just between God and me, but I always think that when God is teaching me something, there's probably someone else out there who needs to hear it too. So in that spirit, I share the following:
My heart is heavy, oh God.
Sadness and longing fill my days.
My heart is empty and my desires are unfulfilled.
Fear, discouragement and grief are my food by day.
Disappointment, sadness and longing come to bed with me.
How long, oh Lord, how long?
I cry to You day and night.
I pour out my needs and my wants,
But in the morning, they remain unchanged.
Every night, they are the same.
But still, I will praise you.
I will remember the ways you have blessed me.
I will remember those moments when my heart was full.
And I will wait.
And I will trust.
In Whom else can I trust?
What else will fulfill my longings?
I know without a doubt, that You and You alone are my fulfillment.
It is only in You that I find comfort and security.
Without You, I am nothing and I have nothing.
When I come to You, I am vulnerable.
I open up my deepest wounds to You,
Because only You can heal them.
When You see me naked before You,
You clothe me in your love and grace and mercy.
Everything I am reaches out to You.
But You are already here.
My heart searches for you.
It asks, “Why are you so distant?”
But You are always with me.
Oh Lord, my God, You hold me in Your arms.
You, my Father, wipe away my many tears.
You, my Provider tell my heart, “I know”.
You, my Healer, give joy to my soul.
Oh Lord, my God, You are all I need.
Though my prayers go unanswered,
You give peace that I don’t understand.
You are my Father and I am Your child.
My heart is in Your tender care.
My soul rejoices in You.
I write this today with tears streaming down my face. They are tears of incredible sadness and loss. They are tears of hurt, disappointment, discouragement and fear. They are tears of surrender, vulnerability and yes, even hope. But more than that, they are tears of thankfulness and joy. Who knew that so many emotions could be contained in a single tear?
But God knew before this day even started that I would be sitting right where I am, writing these very words, crying these very tears. He knew, long before I did that this day would come. And I think He’s been looking forward to it.
God created us for relationship and intimacy with Him. But so often, we approach Him instead with either a disrespectful casualness or a distant and fearful formality. Almost never do most people approach Him as a child approaches her Daddy. I have a picture in my mind of my brother sitting on the steps in his house. His oldest daughter has draped herself across his arms and his son has jumped on his back and is clinging to his neck. There is a happiness on all of their faces that can only come from a place of uninhibited love for each other. Although I wasn’t there when the picture was taken, I can hear their laughter joining together in one of the most beautiful pieces of three-part harmony ever heard.
It is that kind of freedom God wants us to have with Him. He wants us to fling ourselves into His arms with all the love and happiness and trust of a child. But I find myself only coming to Him when I am sad or angry or disappointed. More often than not, the only time I fling myself into His arms is when I realize that I’m completely out of options.
While I know that He wants me to run to Him in those times, I wonder how often He watches me run to my parents and my friends with my joys and successes instead of to Him. I wonder, in those times of my greatest happiness if I don’t cause a time of great sadness to Him. I’m realizing that perhaps, I have all it backwards. If my brother’s children only ran to him when they were hurt, or had a complaint, there would never have been an opportunity for that picture that I love so much to have been taken. And I think, when we only bring God our brokenness, we have an incomplete and singular relationship with Him. And I think, that breaks His heart.
As I wrote the words of my Psalm, I found that it wasn’t so much the pouring out of my sadness and emptiness that brought the tears, because those tears had been cried so many times over the course of my life. Yes, they were sitting there below the surface, but I could fight them back. But when I remembered the moments of peace and joy that God has given me lately, I could no longer dam the stream. Even now, that last sentence has brought them back.
Sadly, it has only been in the midst of such intense sadness and loss that I have been open enough to receive some of God’s greatest blessings. By way of example, I started looking for a church as soon as I moved to this area five years ago. I visited so many churches in so many denominations that I can’t even remember all of them. I begged and pleaded with God to lead me to a church. I argued with Him about the importance of fellowship. I yelled at Him for not giving me what I knew I needed. I even gave up for a while, and blamed Him when I woke up on a Sunday morning and decided to not bother going to church at all.
During those first four years, I experienced intense loneliness and isolation. I blamed Satan. I blamed God. But I’m seeing now that I was spending so much time complaining to Him that I missed opportunities to run to Him in joy and gratitude when He answered other prayers. I was so focused on what I saw as my most pressing need that I all but ignored His provision in other areas of my life.
It wasn’t until my very livelihood was threatened that I finally changed my approach. In one day, everything I had was taken away – my income, my relationships, my purpose and I was left standing before God completely empty. But it was on that day that I finally understood the “peace that passes understanding”. And it was that weekend that I was finally ready to receive the blessing of a church. God had been waiting until He knew I was ready before He led me “home”. And it was only in my emptiness that I was able to run into his arms with laughter instead of bitter tears when I finally saw Him answer my prayer.
I’m tempted to wonder if my own actions and attitudes prevented God from answering my prayers for a church family, and I suspect that they did. But rather than allowing guilt to mar the beauty and sweetness of God’s gift, I choose instead to thank Him with incredible joy whenever I get in my car and pull out of that church parking lot.
So here I sit on my couch with a cup of tea and a cat, reflecting not on my sadness or even past mistakes. Instead, my heart is full of praise for my Creator. He created me to love Him and He created me to be loved by Him. He longs for me to spontaneously jump into His arms and laugh with Him with the complete abandon of a child who absolutely adores her Father.
It is those times that I come to Him with excitement, happiness and laughter that tell my heart it’s also ok to trust Him with my fear, sadness and disappointment. I think this is how He wants it, and not the other way around.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
On What To Do With Worry
"Yup, things are pretty bad right now." I don't think that thought has escaped too many people lately. But what can we do about it? Well, I'm so glad you asked (hee hee) because I've gotten some recent insights that I feel compelled to share...
Let me preface this by saying that as usual, this really should not be too earth-shattering. These are more things that I apparently needed to be reminded about and therefore, I assume that someone else could use a reminder as well. And since they are things that come straight from the mouth of Jesus, chances are pretty good that over the 20 centuries since He said them, there have been others who have needed these reminders. So I don't feel even a little bit bad about having been reminded or about doing some reminding. Really.
Reminder #1: Jesus said, "Don't worry about your life." (Matthew 6:25).
Easy for Him to say. He is, after all, the Son of the God of the universe. What could He possibly have to worry about? Right? Well, yes, this is true. But remember, He walked this earth just like the rest of us, so it's not like He has no idea what we're going through. And you know what? He says, "Your Father in Heaven knows" what you need (v. 32). He knows that you need food. He knows that you need your children to be healthy. He knows that you need companionship. And Jesus says, "Don't worry about it." A bit harsh, maybe. But a command, nonetheless.
Still not doing it for you? Ok, let's check in with someone else. Oops, our friend Paul says the same thing...Philippians 4:6 is one of those verses that tends to make people cringe: "Do not be anxious about anything." (How annoying - Paul and Jesus were on the same page.) Paul goes on to say that instead of worrying, we should let God know what's on our minds. This is not something we do because God doesn't already know what's bothering us. We do this for our own benefit. The wording Paul uses here is interesting. He's not saying that we should just tell God what we're worried about. The wording he uses is much deeper than that. The Greek for the phrase the NIV translates as "present your requests" is gnorizo which means "to have thorough knowledge of". So it's much more than just listing off a bunch of problems - it's coming to understand why we're worried about a particular issue and bringing that to God.
As we explore the whys of our worries, we get to the deeper issues of our faith. Are we worried about money and how we're going to pay our bills? Why? What we're really worried about is that God can not provide for us, even though He's told us (back in Matthew for example) that He will. Are we worried about a health issue? Why? What we're really worried about is that God can not provide healing, even though we know that nothing is impossible with God (Luke 1:37).
But digging even deeper we find that even those of us who know that God can do anything, wonder if He will do anything. And that, my friends, is for Him to decide. I'm having some trouble swallowing that truth at the moment, but it is truth and my job as someone who claims to have faith in God for my eternal salvation is to ask God for the faith to live through every moment of every day, and believe that even if God chooses not to intervene on my behalf, He knows exactly what He's doing. He knows what's best for me, for the people around me, and He knows exactly how He will end up redeeming my situation and as a result, how He will be glorified in it.
So the question I jokingly asked God was this: "But God, I spend so much time worrying. If I give that up, what on earth will I do with all my time?"
Reminder #2: Jesus said, "Love your neighbor as yourself" (Mark 12:31).
Worry is really nothing more than a self-centered focus. A great way to break out of that (and therefore to obey Jesus' command) is to focus on someone else for a while. Get up, go out, and find someone else you can bless. Bring flowers to someone who can't get out. Bring a plate of cookies to a friend, just for the fun of it. When you go to church this Sunday, instead of asking God to bless you through the service, ask Him to point out someone to you who you can bless with the love He's given you. Do everything you can to take your focus off yourself.
If you've done what God told you to do, and you've presented your deepest requests and desires to Him, don't take them back. Thank Him for the way He is already working on your situation (did you see that part in Philippians 4:6?) Then accept the peace that He will give you (v. 7). Let that peace stand guard over your heart to fight off future attacks of worry. If the worry does sneak back in, stop as soon as you become aware of it. Hand it over to God, then ask Him to show you a new way to focus on someone else instead of yourself.
And if none of that works, check out this: www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bb7TSGptd3Y
Let me preface this by saying that as usual, this really should not be too earth-shattering. These are more things that I apparently needed to be reminded about and therefore, I assume that someone else could use a reminder as well. And since they are things that come straight from the mouth of Jesus, chances are pretty good that over the 20 centuries since He said them, there have been others who have needed these reminders. So I don't feel even a little bit bad about having been reminded or about doing some reminding. Really.
Reminder #1: Jesus said, "Don't worry about your life." (Matthew 6:25).
Easy for Him to say. He is, after all, the Son of the God of the universe. What could He possibly have to worry about? Right? Well, yes, this is true. But remember, He walked this earth just like the rest of us, so it's not like He has no idea what we're going through. And you know what? He says, "Your Father in Heaven knows" what you need (v. 32). He knows that you need food. He knows that you need your children to be healthy. He knows that you need companionship. And Jesus says, "Don't worry about it." A bit harsh, maybe. But a command, nonetheless.
Still not doing it for you? Ok, let's check in with someone else. Oops, our friend Paul says the same thing...Philippians 4:6 is one of those verses that tends to make people cringe: "Do not be anxious about anything." (How annoying - Paul and Jesus were on the same page.) Paul goes on to say that instead of worrying, we should let God know what's on our minds. This is not something we do because God doesn't already know what's bothering us. We do this for our own benefit. The wording Paul uses here is interesting. He's not saying that we should just tell God what we're worried about. The wording he uses is much deeper than that. The Greek for the phrase the NIV translates as "present your requests" is gnorizo which means "to have thorough knowledge of". So it's much more than just listing off a bunch of problems - it's coming to understand why we're worried about a particular issue and bringing that to God.
As we explore the whys of our worries, we get to the deeper issues of our faith. Are we worried about money and how we're going to pay our bills? Why? What we're really worried about is that God can not provide for us, even though He's told us (back in Matthew for example) that He will. Are we worried about a health issue? Why? What we're really worried about is that God can not provide healing, even though we know that nothing is impossible with God (Luke 1:37).
But digging even deeper we find that even those of us who know that God can do anything, wonder if He will do anything. And that, my friends, is for Him to decide. I'm having some trouble swallowing that truth at the moment, but it is truth and my job as someone who claims to have faith in God for my eternal salvation is to ask God for the faith to live through every moment of every day, and believe that even if God chooses not to intervene on my behalf, He knows exactly what He's doing. He knows what's best for me, for the people around me, and He knows exactly how He will end up redeeming my situation and as a result, how He will be glorified in it.
So the question I jokingly asked God was this: "But God, I spend so much time worrying. If I give that up, what on earth will I do with all my time?"
Reminder #2: Jesus said, "Love your neighbor as yourself" (Mark 12:31).
Worry is really nothing more than a self-centered focus. A great way to break out of that (and therefore to obey Jesus' command) is to focus on someone else for a while. Get up, go out, and find someone else you can bless. Bring flowers to someone who can't get out. Bring a plate of cookies to a friend, just for the fun of it. When you go to church this Sunday, instead of asking God to bless you through the service, ask Him to point out someone to you who you can bless with the love He's given you. Do everything you can to take your focus off yourself.
If you've done what God told you to do, and you've presented your deepest requests and desires to Him, don't take them back. Thank Him for the way He is already working on your situation (did you see that part in Philippians 4:6?) Then accept the peace that He will give you (v. 7). Let that peace stand guard over your heart to fight off future attacks of worry. If the worry does sneak back in, stop as soon as you become aware of it. Hand it over to God, then ask Him to show you a new way to focus on someone else instead of yourself.
And if none of that works, check out this: www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bb7TSGptd3Y
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
On Obeying When It's Scary
I admit that I have been MIA for a few months, but so much of what God has been teaching me has felt like puzzle pieces and not anything concrete enough to share with other people (how's that for mixing metaphors?). I still feel that way, but there is one theme that has been coming back over and over again in the last few weeks that I feel very strongly is meant for someone else, as well as for me:
How often does God ask us to do something that we're pretty sure will hurt us? For example, let's look at the life of our friend Abraham for a moment, shall we? Now there's a guy who had his faith challenged many, many, many, many times, and often in very scary and painful ways. He was asked to leave everything he knew and move to the "land [God] will show" him - scary (Genesis 12:1). He was asked to believe that after a lifetime of not having a family, God would give him so many decedents that they could not be counted - emotionally painful(Genesis 15:5). He was asked to circumcise himself - I think this falls into both categories (Genesis 17:11). And most notably, he was asked to give back the son he had waited a century for - well, this one definitely fits the scary/painful bill (Genesis 22:2).
A little aside here: I was watching a comedian, Jim Gaffigan, last night and he was talking about the tests God gave some people in the Old Testament. "Don't eat that fruit. Build me a boat. Circumcise yourself. (To which Abraham responds, "Can't I just build two boats?")
Anyway, the point is this: As with so many other things, God always gives us what we need in order to do what he asks us to do. And at the most basic level, what He gives us is faith to obey. Whether we take hold of that faith and take that step of obedience is another matter, but that's our freedom to choose at work. Let me give you a very specific (and at the moment, a very personal) example. In the book of Malachi, (chapter 3, verses 8-10 to be exact) God is taking his people to task for not obeying his command to tithe. The people had been hoarding their possessions, which we do out of fear that we will not have what we need when we need it (a scary and painful prospect). God says to them, 'Look, you've been holding out on me. So here's what I'm going to propose: Cut it out, bring me what I've asked you to bring me, and then see that I really do have your best interests in mind and I really will make sure that you have what you need when you need it. Seriously, try me.'
Ok, so that's a bit of a paraphrase, but it gets to the heart of the matter. God is testing His people by asking them to test Him. (I love the irony of God's thought processes!) He's telling them that if they exercise their faith and obey His command to give to the poor and to the furthering of His work, He will undoubtedly make sure that their needs are met and even exceeded. Now let me be clear, I'm not trying to preach a "prosperity gospel" kind of thing. I'm simply saying that God does not lie and that if He promises to take care of us if we're faithful to obey, why would we not at least give it a try? What's the worst that could happen?
Over the past six months, I've seen my income shrink to an impossibly small amount. But every time I've been tempted to hold back on giving, I've heard a sermon, read a blog, or read something in the Bible that reminded me of the promise (and the challenge) in Malachi. So I once again throw my hands up to God and admit that everything I have is from Him anyway, and I give. And you know what? So far so good. Somehow, my bills get paid, I have food, and I still have a roof over my head and a car in the driveway. Sometimes it's because of someone's generosity, but quite a few times, I've had no idea how I've still had money left in my account at the end of the month. Well, I have an idea, but it's not anything earthly-logical. It's just that God is faithful and He is generously giving me faith to obey and then rewarding my obedience. Isn't that nice of Him?
Sure, I still hesitate before sending that donation. I still ask God how I'm going to pay the rent if I give what I have agreed with Him to give. But then I'm pointed to 2 Corinthians 9:6-8. And I'm left with no excuse not to obey, no matter how scary the future seems.
How often does God ask us to do something that we're pretty sure will hurt us? For example, let's look at the life of our friend Abraham for a moment, shall we? Now there's a guy who had his faith challenged many, many, many, many times, and often in very scary and painful ways. He was asked to leave everything he knew and move to the "land [God] will show" him - scary (Genesis 12:1). He was asked to believe that after a lifetime of not having a family, God would give him so many decedents that they could not be counted - emotionally painful(Genesis 15:5). He was asked to circumcise himself - I think this falls into both categories (Genesis 17:11). And most notably, he was asked to give back the son he had waited a century for - well, this one definitely fits the scary/painful bill (Genesis 22:2).
A little aside here: I was watching a comedian, Jim Gaffigan, last night and he was talking about the tests God gave some people in the Old Testament. "Don't eat that fruit. Build me a boat. Circumcise yourself. (To which Abraham responds, "Can't I just build two boats?")
Anyway, the point is this: As with so many other things, God always gives us what we need in order to do what he asks us to do. And at the most basic level, what He gives us is faith to obey. Whether we take hold of that faith and take that step of obedience is another matter, but that's our freedom to choose at work. Let me give you a very specific (and at the moment, a very personal) example. In the book of Malachi, (chapter 3, verses 8-10 to be exact) God is taking his people to task for not obeying his command to tithe. The people had been hoarding their possessions, which we do out of fear that we will not have what we need when we need it (a scary and painful prospect). God says to them, 'Look, you've been holding out on me. So here's what I'm going to propose: Cut it out, bring me what I've asked you to bring me, and then see that I really do have your best interests in mind and I really will make sure that you have what you need when you need it. Seriously, try me.'
Ok, so that's a bit of a paraphrase, but it gets to the heart of the matter. God is testing His people by asking them to test Him. (I love the irony of God's thought processes!) He's telling them that if they exercise their faith and obey His command to give to the poor and to the furthering of His work, He will undoubtedly make sure that their needs are met and even exceeded. Now let me be clear, I'm not trying to preach a "prosperity gospel" kind of thing. I'm simply saying that God does not lie and that if He promises to take care of us if we're faithful to obey, why would we not at least give it a try? What's the worst that could happen?
Over the past six months, I've seen my income shrink to an impossibly small amount. But every time I've been tempted to hold back on giving, I've heard a sermon, read a blog, or read something in the Bible that reminded me of the promise (and the challenge) in Malachi. So I once again throw my hands up to God and admit that everything I have is from Him anyway, and I give. And you know what? So far so good. Somehow, my bills get paid, I have food, and I still have a roof over my head and a car in the driveway. Sometimes it's because of someone's generosity, but quite a few times, I've had no idea how I've still had money left in my account at the end of the month. Well, I have an idea, but it's not anything earthly-logical. It's just that God is faithful and He is generously giving me faith to obey and then rewarding my obedience. Isn't that nice of Him?
Sure, I still hesitate before sending that donation. I still ask God how I'm going to pay the rent if I give what I have agreed with Him to give. But then I'm pointed to 2 Corinthians 9:6-8. And I'm left with no excuse not to obey, no matter how scary the future seems.
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